So many things have happened in the last 3 years, some of it I feel like is my fault even though I’m told it is not my fault. Take selling the house in MI to relocate 1200 miles south for instance. Struggle for Nov 2020 until April 2022, being in a constant state of limbo, no place to call “home” because of all the moving around. You just make the best of what you have and just keep moving.
My significant other being essentially jobless from August 2021 until August of 2022 and me being the one that felt selfish because I wanted them to be with me. I didn’t want them to leave me in the state of limbo because we still had not been moved into our “home” one thing I knew for sure required us to fight for to get it done.
Health issues on my part that makes me feel like a burden on everyone around me and continue to feel as though I will always be that burden on everyone.
Now I spend most of my days alone although my significant other is in the next room working from home so they can be there, I still feel lonely, like the connection we have has now reverted to what it was before we moved. They left for work every morning at 5:30am and didn’t get home until 6 pm, we have fallen into the same rut. We go to our bedroom every night by 6:15 pm and wait to put the kids to bed at 8 pm. After that we say good night to each other and then are off to sleep, I lay there most nights thinking or mindlessly watch whatever is on T.V. while they sleep for the next days work.
I understand they have their own burdens to tend to but that it feels like they are consumed by their burdens and I’m on the outside now when it wasn’t like that before. We shared everything and now it feels like they are not really present. Almost feels like they don’t see me, they do I’m sure. Do they really see me?!!!
I have been beside myself lately. I feel like I have so many things pulling at me all at once and I’m not sure what to attend to first! What fire to put out so nothing burns to the ground.
I use this blog as a journaling type situation, kind of my own type of therapy.
Do I need to have a therapist? Maybe, but for the time being this works for me. Write it out and let it go!!! It’s been all I have known for so long that it’s almost like my coping mechanism.
Sometimes it’s hard to put down exactly how I feel, sometimes it’s easier to just cry in the shower or when I’m alone. It just feels like nobody gets it…..