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So many things go on in my day to day life that it seems like every week is booked solid with appointments. The one week a month with no appointments just feels no different. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the week free from appointments but other things take priority. It seems like we are so far behind trying to keep things up here at home that most of it seems like it will never get accomplished. We have a vehicle that needs to be cleaned out so it can be towed off our property, mowing the endless mowing (which I don’t mind doing if there was an easier way), campers that need attention so we can get them the hell out of here. Storage unit full of junk that needs to be gone through and a trailer full of stuff that needs to go to the dump and a shed that needs a good clean out. If I could do most of this on my own I would but at my current state doing just  a little bit at a time just wipes me out for the day not to mention the hot humid weather that doesn’t cooperate or is used as an excuse to stay indoors.

I’m trying to connect this page to FB

I think I have it set so I can share, fingers crossed

I’m angry at myself at this point! I spent my morning going through spam that was posted on this site and I have permanently erased 3+ years of my life in posts. There is no way to get them back, although I wish there was. I’m just sick about it! I’m sure some things landed on the FB page I share it to but anything that was in my drafts is gone. Almost 20 things in my drafts that I wasn’t ready to share but eventually I would have.
Like our first Thanks Giving here in FL, How we had to move around so much, When my kid decided it would be a good idea to make some choices that would make everyone in our home suffer and not have any remorse about it, I probably wouldn’t believe the child even if they did. When we got the keys to our home and how I truly felt about it. How luck we felt when things started happening for us with this house and how we watched it come together. The poetry I had saved in my drafts that I’ll never remember to write it down again. Just so much of things that were lost.

I have searched the inter web for a recovery for all these things that I accidentally permanently deleted and there isn’t one. Here I sit teary eyed knowing I f*cked up and lost something that meant so much to me and the history that I lost.

So many things have happened in the last 3 years, some of it I feel like is my fault even though I’m told it is not my fault. Take selling the house in MI to relocate 1200 miles south for instance. Struggle for Nov 2020 until April 2022, being in a constant state of limbo, no place to call “home” because of all the moving around. You just make the best of what you have and just keep moving.

My significant other being essentially jobless from August 2021 until August of 2022 and me being the one that felt selfish because I wanted them to be with me. I didn’t want them to leave me in the state of limbo because we still had not been moved into our “home” one thing I knew for sure required us to fight for to get it done.

Health issues on my part that makes me feel like a burden on everyone around me and continue to feel as though I will always be that burden on everyone.
Now I spend most of my days alone although my significant other is in the next room working from home so they can be there, I still feel lonely, like the connection we have has now reverted to what it was before we moved. They left for work every morning at 5:30am and didn’t get home until 6 pm, we have fallen into the same rut. We go to our bedroom every night by 6:15 pm and wait to put the kids to bed at 8 pm. After that we say good night to each other and then are off to sleep, I lay there most nights thinking or mindlessly watch whatever is on T.V.  while they sleep for the next days work.

I understand they have their own burdens to tend to but that it feels like they are consumed by their burdens and I’m on the outside now when it wasn’t like that before. We shared everything and now it feels like they are not really present. Almost feels like they don’t see me, they do I’m sure. Do they really see me?!!!

I have been beside myself lately. I feel like I have so many things pulling at me all at once and I’m not sure what to attend to first! What fire to put out so nothing burns to the ground.
I use this blog as a journaling type situation, kind of my own type of therapy.

Do I need to have a therapist? Maybe, but for the time being this works for me. Write it out and let it go!!! It’s been all I have known for so long that it’s almost like my coping mechanism.
Sometimes it’s hard to put down exactly how I feel, sometimes it’s easier to just cry in the shower or when I’m alone. It just feels like nobody gets it…..